Sunday, March 14, 2010

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake

Someone recently chose the adjective "independent" to describe me. I admit that I like learning how to do things on my own, often times through trial and error. I like not being dependent in most aspects of life. I do admit in someways I am very dependent. Jake makes my lunch everyday because I have never mastered getting ready on time. Independence has always been as valued trait to me.

Until recently. Sparing all of the details, in a nutshell, my "independence" lead to me making some quick decisions that ultimately lead to unfavorable consequences. It's not like our life became terrible by any means. I mean more that the consequences of my independence made life a little more difficult, unsure, hectic etc.

As has happened so many times before, I have been very slow to recognize that I was contributing to the problem. I was depending entirely on myself, with some help from Jake, to try and make things right. And it was stressing me, our marriage, and maybe most importantly my faith.

I decided to talk to my Bishop. He told me to just let go. To do my best, but give it to Heavenly Father. This wasn't a new idea to me. I knew I should be doing that, but I've always struggled with it.

I know I was wrong to put so much faith in my abilities. This is something I've struggled with for my whole life. And I don't know why it clicked now, but what my Bishop said made total sense and for maybe the first time I've felt ready to do that.

The hymn "Be Still My Soul" has been in my head all week. Especially the first and second verses.
1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

I haven't mastered letting go yet. I've tried really hard this week, but I've had moments of anxiety and feeling desperate to be in control. But the amazing this is, by just trying to turn more faith over to Heavenly Father and not place it in myself, things have worked out. We have medical insurance now for me and the baby, I got my full tuition back, we had so many people interested in our apartment and the contract will most likely sell tomorrow. We have found a great house to rent with 3 bedrooms and a washer and dryer and they lowered the rent for us. Jake has been able to keep up with is insane school and work schedule. We have been healthy all winter. Jake applied for a new job that he would love and would financially bless us and they were impressed with him. We'll find out soon if he gets it. In general, as soon as I tried my best to turn it all over and put more faith in Heavenly Father, he took over and has greatly blessed us.

Someone once told me that He requires only 1%, but he requires us to give 100% of that 1%.

I'm learning how true this is.

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