Dear Car Wash

You intimidate me. I admit it. It's been 8 years since I came to you without someone else driving through. We've had a rocky relationship. Remember the time I drove into the you before I was supposed to, and ended up bumping the person ahead of me. Or the time, I didn't make it onto the tracks and got stuck. You embarrassed me.

And it's more than the bad experiences that have kept me away. In general, you are scary. I hate your loud noises, how the car shakes, your black "tentacles" that scrub my car, being covered in your foam which is an unnatural and unnerving variety of Easter colors. You are too overwhelming.

So this afternoon I spent at least 5 minutes staring at you. I saw you staring back at me, giving me the stink eye...taunting me.

Well I faced my fear and WENT FOR IT!!

I conquered you Mr. Car Wash.

You can no longer bully me, so go pick on someone your own size.

Nanana Boo Boo,

Julia

Dear Snow,

Today around 12:30pm I saw a few of your delicate snow flakes falling from the cloudy sky. You are so lovely, I'll admit it. But, you just need to go away now. You need to stop threatening the coming of spring. It is always nice to see you again during the Christmas season and even a little bit after that... but now you're just being selfish.

I have things I want and need to do outside.

I want to wake up and not have to worry about what shoes I'm going to wear because I'm not sure if you dumped 6 inches or not, or if the weather will turn nasty in the middle of a 55 degree day. And believe me... I worry about what shoes I wear around you. Especially because I spend and hour and a half outside at recess with my kiddos everyday. My Uggs are worn out after 2 Utah winters and I have so many cute flats I am dieing to bring out of the closet.

I want to take walks with my husband and not have to worry about you surprising us and me freezing my toes off. That'd be nice.

I need to get a little color on my arms, leg, and face. I am starting to resemble Edward Cullen, and I prefer to look like Jacob.

I want to take a blanket outside with my sweet husband and have a picnic and read books together under a shaddy tree. (I also think I NEED this, not just want it) :)

So dear snow, please go away. Please do not make an appearance of any sort. I'm over you. For real.

Lovie Dovies,

Julia

Dear Little Boy

I am trying each day to grasp the fact that you are my son. That for forever you will be our first child, the brave one who was willing to come first. We wanted you to be a boy. I've felt for along time that my first child would be a very special little boy. When the nurse announced that you were a little guy your dad squeezed my hand and had the biggest smile on his face. He's already beyond excited to teach you to play baseball and any other sport involving a ball. :)

I am slightly obsessed with looking at your profile picture from the ultrasound. It's on our fridge and every time I walk by I stare. You look so cute. Personally, I think you look more like me, but your dad laughs and says that since you are his son, you will look like him. You seem to have a stubborn streak, like both your mom and dad. You refused to show us your face and head during the ultrasound, so we have to go back in a few weeks to make sure your brain is developing correctly. Honestly, I don't mind. I'm really grateful for another chance to see you again.

Maybe it's because I work with autistic kids everyday so I have more concerns, but we're really praying that you'll be healthy. Either way we'll love you. We just want the best for you. I'll try really hard over the next few months to become less of a worrier because I don't want to stress out about raising you. I know you'll be a great kid and we're not expecting you to be perfect.

You're an awesome kiddo. :) We love you already.

Mom and Dad

What are little boys made of? Frogs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails. That's what little boys are made of.

It's a.....

BOY!!!

Handsome little fella :)

The proof ;)

He's healthy, kicking, squirming, little guy!

We're so excited for him to get here!

Week 20

We find out tomorrow if it's a GIRL bump or a BOY bump!

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake

Someone recently chose the adjective "independent" to describe me. I admit that I like learning how to do things on my own, often times through trial and error. I like not being dependent in most aspects of life. I do admit in someways I am very dependent. Jake makes my lunch everyday because I have never mastered getting ready on time. Independence has always been as valued trait to me.

Until recently. Sparing all of the details, in a nutshell, my "independence" lead to me making some quick decisions that ultimately lead to unfavorable consequences. It's not like our life became terrible by any means. I mean more that the consequences of my independence made life a little more difficult, unsure, hectic etc.

As has happened so many times before, I have been very slow to recognize that I was contributing to the problem. I was depending entirely on myself, with some help from Jake, to try and make things right. And it was stressing me, our marriage, and maybe most importantly my faith.

I decided to talk to my Bishop. He told me to just let go. To do my best, but give it to Heavenly Father. This wasn't a new idea to me. I knew I should be doing that, but I've always struggled with it.

I know I was wrong to put so much faith in my abilities. This is something I've struggled with for my whole life. And I don't know why it clicked now, but what my Bishop said made total sense and for maybe the first time I've felt ready to do that.

The hymn "Be Still My Soul" has been in my head all week. Especially the first and second verses.

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

I haven't mastered letting go yet. I've tried really hard this week, but I've had moments of anxiety and feeling desperate to be in control. But the amazing this is, by just trying to turn more faith over to Heavenly Father and not place it in myself, things have worked out. We have medical insurance now for me and the baby, I got my full tuition back, we had so many people interested in our apartment and the contract will most likely sell tomorrow. We have found a great house to rent with 3 bedrooms and a washer and dryer and they lowered the rent for us. Jake has been able to keep up with is insane school and work schedule. We have been healthy all winter. Jake applied for a new job that he would love and would financially bless us and they were impressed with him. We'll find out soon if he gets it. In general, as soon as I tried my best to turn it all over and put more faith in Heavenly Father, he took over and has greatly blessed us.

Someone once told me that He requires only 1%, but he requires us to give 100% of that 1%.

I'm learning how true this is.

Goodbyes

Goodbye little, black, wool, Banana Republic pencil skirt. Goodbye to you making my tummy look so flat and my legs look so long. Goodbye to you being my go-to skirt when I needed to get ready and look good in a hurry. Goodbye for at least 4 months. Probably more.

Goodbye to all my zip-up hoodies and jackets. You are becoming harder to zip and when I do zip you, you make my baby bump look larger than it really is.

Goodbye to my old bras. Enough said.

Hello to a cute little baby bump. Hello to going to the bathroom 10 plus times a day. Hello to getting teary when thinking about snuggling with our little guy or girl. Hello to so much to look forward to. :)

Man, I feel like a woman

A week or so ago I realized I had been carrying a backpack for the past 20 plus years. I remember my first "cool" backpack. It was a denim one, with a metal clasp to hold the main pocket shut. My most recent backpack was from Dakine. Jake calls it my retro-Scottish backpack. It's a better description that what he called my last one. It was green and he called me "Turtle" every time he saw me.

Twenty years is along time to tote a backpack around. I was never a big purse person. I would use a clutch or a small hand bag on Sundays or on dates but during the week I would just carry my wallet and keys in my hands. Classy I know.

Then last week I realized I was a college graduate and it was time to retire the backpack. So I went out and bought my first grown-up purse.

Man, I feel like a woman.

In 4 months I'll trade it in for a diaper bag. :)